10 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person

By Gary J. Martinez

HEALTH & WELLNESS

We all mean well—most of the time. We see someone we love hurting, and we want to fix it. So we fumble for words, offering clichés, comparisons, or the only advice we’ve ever known. But depression doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t respond to pep talks or tough love. And sometimes, our best intentions build walls rather than bridges.

When someone is deep in depression, they aren’t just sad. They’re fighting a shadowy weight, often invisible to others, but crushing to them. It distorts perception, numbs joy, and isolates them from the world they used to belong to. If you’ve never been there, good—you’ve been spared. But if someone you know is there now, then your words matter. Deeply.

Here are ten things you should never say to a depressed person—and why. If we can avoid these, we’ll be one step closer to actually helping.

1. “Just think positive.”

To a depressed person, this feels like being told to “just breathe” while drowning. Depression is not a failure of perspective—it’s a medical and emotional condition that affects brain chemistry, energy levels, and even the ability to process thoughts rationally.

Telling someone to “think positive” implies that their suffering is a choice, and worse, that they’re choosing wrong. Instead, try: “I know things feel dark right now, but I’m here for you, even in the dark.”

2. “It’s all in your head.”

Of course it’s in their head. That’s what makes it so relentless. But saying this sounds like you’re dismissing the pain as imaginary or unimportant.

Depression is very real. MRI scans show changes in brain activity. Hormones go haywire. And even if it were “just” emotional—it still hurts. We don't tell someone with a broken leg, “It’s all in your bone.” We treat it.

What helps instead is validation: “Your pain is real. I may not fully understand it, but I take it seriously.”

3. “Other people have it worse.”

Comparison is the thief of empathy. Yes, someone always has it worse—but that doesn’t mean this person’s pain is invalid.

Imagine telling someone with pneumonia, “Well, at least you don’t have cancer.” It doesn’t make them breathe easier.

Depression already makes people feel ashamed and guilty. This only piles on more. Replace it with: “I see you’re hurting. I’m not here to judge how much. I’m just here.”

4. “Snap out of it.”

If they could, they would. No one chooses to be depressed. This phrase assumes depression is laziness or weakness, and that’s a dangerous myth.

Telling someone to snap out of it is like asking a blind person to just squint harder. Depression requires support, patience, and often professional help—not a command to ‘toughen up.’

What you can say: “You don’t have to do this alone. Let’s take it one step at a time.”

5. “You don’t look depressed.”

Depression doesn’t have a uniform. It can hide behind a smile, a well-groomed appearance, or even laughter. Some of the most deeply depressed people are also the best at pretending they’re fine.

This kind of comment makes someone feel unseen, invalidated, and even more isolated. Instead, try: “You always seem so strong—I’m here if you ever want to talk about what’s really going on.”

6. “But you have so much to be grateful for.”

Gratitude doesn’t cancel depression. In fact, many depressed people are painfully aware of the good things in their lives—and they feel worse for not feeling happy about them.

This phrase often triggers guilt. It’s like telling a person in pain, “You shouldn’t be hurting—you have a comfortable bed.”

More compassionate would be: “I know you have a lot going on—and I’m not here to remind you of the good stuff. I’m just here for the hard stuff, too.”

7. “You’re just being dramatic.”

This one cuts deep. It tells the person their pain isn’t real, just a performance for attention.

Depression isn’t a show. It’s often a silent scream, muffled under blankets, masked in daily routines. No one “acts” depressed for fun. This kind of dismissal shuts doors and slams windows in the face of anyone seeking help.

Instead, say: “If this feels big to you, then it matters to me.”

8. “You need to pray more.”

Faith can be a powerful support system. But weaponizing it—especially by implying that lack of prayer causes depression—is both hurtful and theologically shallow.

Many deeply spiritual people battle depression. Even Mother Teresa wrote about her long struggle with spiritual darkness. Mental health and spiritual life can coexist—and so can therapy and faith.

If you want to bring faith into it, say something like: “I’m praying for you, and I’m also here to walk with you however I can.”

9. “You’re bringing everyone down.”

This one is often said out of frustration. But it’s cruel—and it turns the person into a burden rather than a being.

Depressed people often already feel like a weight. This confirms their worst fear—that they’re toxic to those around them. It doesn’t motivate—it isolates.

Try shifting the perspective: “I care about you. I don’t always know how to help, but I want to be here for you.”

10. “You don’t need therapy or meds. You just need to…”

Fill in the blank—go for a walk, drink water, get over it. All these imply the person’s path to healing is simple and under their control. It's not.

Therapy and medication aren’t crutches—they’re lifelines. And dismissing them reinforces stigma and delays recovery.

Instead, affirm their process: “I support you in whatever help you decide is best for you. I’m proud of you for seeking it.”

There’s no perfect thing to say to a depressed person. But there is a right posture: presence. Show up. Stay. Be consistent, even when they cancel on you, ghost your texts, or turn inward. Your quiet presence matters more than your perfect words.

Sometimes, all someone needs to hear is, “I see you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Depression doesn't need fixing as much as it needs understanding. And while you may not be able to lift someone out of their pit, you can sit beside them in the dark until they’re ready to climb.

That’s not just kindness. That’s love in its truest form.